46 days - a post thanksgiving post

thanksgiving was great. i mean it was greater than great. i don't have the words. it was nice, it was mellow, it was delicious, it was perfect.  we played new games, learned a new way to carve a turkey, and it was perfect.

i made blueberry mint lemonade.  people drank beers (beers i'm not a fan of), and there was wine and vodka.  there were drinkers and non drinkers, and the interesting thing i realized (and i read this in a book that someone also realized--maybe i realized it because they pointed it out?) is that i would have been the drunkest person in the room.  i would have been deep "in my cups" as my aunt likes to say.  more so than anyone else.

i still had fun. i was still loud and obnoxious.  i still laughed hard and enjoyed everyone's company.  i was a little bit on edge in the beginning; there was that little voice that came and went that said "everyone is wondering why you aren't drinking."  i pushed it away and it came less and less frequent until i didn't notice it anymore.

i was able to focus on conversations and make sure people were included in conversations.  everyone pretty much knew each other, so it wasn't hard.

i did wake up full of shame, momentarily.  i stayed at my sister's house for the night, as i usually did when i drank heavily.  i would wake up full of shame. with a headache and queasy.  i would wake up assuming i was imposing on my sister and bro-in-law.  how lame they (and everyone) must think i am because i stayed at my sister's house.  i would wonder what stupid things i said the night before, and go into a very deep shame spiral about everything...work, friends, high school, events over the last oh THOUSAND years. and then the usual what am i even doing with my life?

i woke up in that strange bed and it couldn't have been for more than a second that i started this in my head and i realized i didn't need to do it.  nothing happened the night before, i wasn't hungover, i wasn't imposing.

we took a group picture before everyone left thanksgiving night.  i was bossy. (what!? people weren't sitting in the right place!) eyes were rolled at me. and i thought to myself... i'm still me. obnoxious and loud. and everyone still loved me.